Chioma Umeha
Lagos
Yemisi hardly knew
that her marital bliss would be short-lived barely after five years of nuptial
knots to a royal father. For her, it was
also thing of pride to be Princess more so as she turned to be the most favourite
wife, being the youngest, though third and last wife of a Lagos socialite. No
doubt, Yemisi, a trained accountant lived a very comfortable life despite that
her husband asked her to stop working being married to 'His Royal Highness.'
All her ecstasy became a
fleeting one. This is because Yemisi dumped her marriage as soon as she tested
positive to HIV in 2008. Today, the former Princess is forced to live in denial
of her status due to fear of stigma and discrimination. Here is the story of
Yemisi who recently spoke to DAILY INDEPENDENT:
“I have always been healthy
and strong, my only serious problem was infertility. I couldn’t get pregnant. I
married into a wealthy polygamous family and was the third wife of a caring and
comfortable man. I had tried all I could but did not conceive. Years after
marriage, I was still seeking the fruit of the womb. My husband had seven
children from his two other wives but I was the youngest.
I’m a trained accountant
but my husband would not allow me to work. He provided for me and gave me all I
wanted, except a child, of course. The day I got to know I’m HIV positive was
quite memorable. It all began in 2008. We had been married about five years at
that time. I had been falling in and out of illness and hoping it was
pregnancy.
I was being transferred
from one hospital to another. The illness got so bad at a particular time
I was admitted into a posh
private hospital on Victoria Island for about two months but didn’t really get
better before I was eventually referred.
I was given a sealed letter
and then transferred to one of the General Hospitals in Lagos, with stern
instructions not to open the letter. At the General Hospital, I handed the
letter to the health official that attended to me. He opened the letter, read
it, stared at me and then said I should go for a particular screening test in
another part of the hospital. I went and did the test. The result of that test
was also not given to me, but later I was told by that doctor that I had tested
HIV positive.
I felt bad at first, but
later asked my husband if he had any idea of the content of the letter that I
had taken to the hospital. He admitted that he did, but said that it was not
the end of my life.
I didn’t initially
understand what it meant to be HIV positive, but over time the harsh reality
dawned on me and I came to terms with the fact that I had a very serious
problem. The development affected me a lot and I felt quite bad. It was a
difficult burden for me to handle and I
broke down completely. However, my husband was very supportive and its really thanks
to him that I coped. He encouraged me a lot and vowed never to leave me. He
kept the news of my status to himself. No one including any of his other wives
knew I had HIV. The only other people who knew were my mother and sisters. I
told them myself.
I started treatment and was
placed on ARV drugs; and my health gradually improved, but I was still puzzled,
how did I contract HIV? I kept asking myself this question. I began to research
about HIV/AIDS. I went on the internet and read about it. I became aware that
the most common mode of HIV transmission is through sexual intercourse.
I was in my mid 30’s, I was
not sexually adventurous before I got married. Although I had a few boyfriends
while in school and afterwards, I never had sex with any of them. I was a
virgin until I met and married my husband. He was my first and only sex
partner. I had never gone for surgery or had blood transfusion or been at risk
of any of the other modes of HIV transmission. I realized my husband had never
disclosed his HIV status. He had never even talked about it. He probably didn’t
know his status, yet had two other wives, so it was quite logical to assume the
HIV infection must have come from him or one of his other wives.
One day, I confronted him
and demanded that he get tested too. From my research, I had gathered that when
one person tests HIV positive the sexual partner(s) must be tested too. But my
husband refused to get tested.
I begged him to go for the
test and also inform his other wives to get tested, but he got angry and said
he was okay and did not need any test. He warned me not to talk to his other
wives about the matter. But I was really worried. We were looking for the fruit of the womb, I was desperately
trying to get pregnant and had been taking fertility medication that required
us to have sex regularly, but since he had other wives, I knew it was not
healthy to continue like that.
I told him the dangers of
continuing with unprotected sex while his HIV status is not established and
also sleeping with his other wives as well as how the risk of transmission
among us was high. But, he was not moved and we failed to agree on the issue.
He stubbornly refused to get tested and also declined to let the other wives
get tested or to know their status.
Gradually, we grew apart
and our sex life suffered. One night, he came into my room while I was sleeping
and began making sexual overtures. It had been a while since we made love, and
since I was in the mood and he was my husband,
I gave in. But during the act, I discovered he was wearing a condom. I was so
infuriated I didn’t know when I violently pushed him off.
Do you want to kill me? Why
are you punishing me like this? I want to have a child! I was shouting without
realising it. He just lay on the bed staring at me in shock. There was a soft
tap on the door and I heard the voice of the senior wife asking if all was
well.
My husband slowly got up and
without uttering a word left the room. I was in a dilemma. How would I get
pregnant if we didn’t have sex or if he used a condom every time? I was
desperate to conceive, yet I did not want to be responsible for transmitting
HIV to the other wives.
I was confused and almost
going out of my mind. Many times I was tempted to spill the whole thing to the
senior wife. She is few years older than I am and a mother of three daughters.
She was quite nice and understanding and like a big sister to me. I often
confided in her about personal issues including my infertility problems, but I
was unsure how she would react to the development on ground.
I think my husband suspected
my intentions because early one morning came into my room and apologized for
his behaviour. He promised to disclose to the other wives and also go for the
screening, and appealed to me to give him a little time to address the issue. I
agreed and waited, but he didn’t keep his promise.
We continued like this for
months until one day, I just got fed up. So I confronted him point blank that I
was quitting the marriage because he was not ready to do the needful. He looked
down on the floor as I threw my bombshell. That day, I packed my belongings and
left his house. If his other wives knew why I was leaving, they didn’t show it.
They didn’t try to stop me. I saw my husband few times afterwards, but never
went back to his house. That was how our marriage ended.
About a couple of years
after we broke up, I heard that he fell ill and had passed away. Before he
died, I had left Lagos for Ilorin where I received the message of his death.
The cause was not disclosed. Could it have been related to HIV/AIDS? From what
I knew about him, it’s a possibility.
I believe that my late
husband did not disclose his status till he died. The senior wives need to know
how to take care of themselves. I am thinking of a way to alert them so that
they also get tested and take care of themselves. This is perhaps the best time
to tell the whole story. I have called the senior wife and her junior and plan
to visit them soon to tell them everything about this story.
Already, I have lost a lot
of friends because they suspect am HIV positive. I’m currently staying with my
junior sister who knows about my status, but I’m planning to return to relocate
to Lagos.
Right now, I’m still hoping
to have a child of my own. I’m now in my 40s wish I could afford IVF, but it
would be nice to get married again. The man that would marry me would know
everything about me. I would let him know that I am HIV positive. I’m still
hoping to get married again, but men approaching me always leave when I tell
them I am HIV positive. Of course they demand sex first and if I insist they go
for their HIV test they begin to wonder. But, I insist that they must know and
disclose their HIV status before we can date. The moment I make this demand and
reveal my status, my suitors always leave me.
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